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There are certain phrases that I believe ought to be banned from the English language. “Touch base” should be one of them, unless, as the title says, you are indeed playing a game in which there are actual bases in which you have to touch them. Let’s put this in picture form:

“Let’s touch base on Monday.” This seems to be a perfectly harmless way to communicate in the corporate world. To the contrary, it should be interpreted as one of the following:

• I have no idea what we’re going to talk about.
• I will figure out what we will talk about 15 minutes before you get into my office.
• I know exactly what I want to talk about, but I don’t want you to know.
• I’m lazy and I’d rather just use this insipid phrase than form a valid statement.
• I don’t really want to even talk to you, but this is a phrase I can use to delay it.
• I literally want to touch your base.

Please, people of the English world, consider using these handy alternatives:

• Let’s talk tomorrow about your design.
• Can we go over the budget later today?
• I don’t have any free time this week, but send me an email Monday morning and check with me again.
• Let’s talk about your raise on Tuesday.

For some reason, other sports phrases mixed with corporate communications don’t bother me. I love baseball and just about any other sports. So I’m all for intelligent usage. “Let’s punt this one over to the other office.” “That deal is a home run.” “We’re in the home stretch.” “Bottom of the ninth here, team, let’s knock it out of the park.” I think these don’t bother me because they make some sort of sense. Or at least they just don’t sound like some pervert who just wants to touch my safe area.

So please, stop it. Stop requesting to touch other people’s bases. And if someone wants to touch yours, politely decline and offer an alternative and valid statement. If we don’t, your boss or colleagues may soon bastardize another sports phrase. “Hit the showers.” “Slide into home.” “Double-fault.” “I’ve got 4th and inches for you.” The possibilities are endless and annoying.

Photo credit: Julie C. Elliott-Abshire via stock.xchang

Government Motors Logo

Hey, wait a second. I don’t remember wanting to get into the car business right now. But Obama and Co. say we are, so I guess we are. Let’s see, another $30 billion in bailout money. There’s about 130 million taxpayers, so that averages out to about $2,300 bucks a piece. Wonderful.

I do hope that GM can turn things around. What really ticks me off, though, is the whole EV1 saga. Have you seen Who Killed the Electric Car? Had GM kept with the EV1, they could be riding high right now. Especially since they claim it was bettery technology that killed the project. Well, I think that’s in place now.

Hmmm… a quick check reveals that www.savethebuicks.com is still available. Anyone? Anyone?

So what’s funny about all this? Honestly, not very much. I guess just laugh at my new Government Motors  logo. Then maybe cry a bit.

Stolen Groceries Fail « FAIL Blog: Pictures and Videos of Owned, Pwnd and Fail Moments.

Just how did that happen? I’d love to know.

Me: Did you see that video?
Dave: Yeah! 5HA!
Me: 5HA? I’d give it a 7HA!

After my first post on this blog I’ve developed something I call “the HA scale.” It’s something I’ve been using while Instant Messaging for quite some time now.

The main premise is this: instead of typing hahahahahahaha you simply write 7HA. A lowly chuckly of hahaha becomes 3HA. If something is really, really funny, perhaps you’d throw out a 9HA or 10HA.

This works especially well on Twitter where space is limited. 10HA (4 characters)  instead of hahahahahahahahahaha (20 characters) – a savings of 80%! But not only on Twitter, it works perfect for any instant messaging and facebook chat, and especially while texting.

One key to keep in mind is the spectrum of the scale. One person’s 12HA is equal to another’s 8HA. And then there’s going to be the people that want to try and do something lame like 55HA. That’s just ridiculous. You’d never type out 55HAs no matter how funny. After some research, the scale I decided to go with ranges from 2HA – 14HA (based from the post mentioned above). Note that a 1HA is pointless to say.

The most common one I seem to use is 7HA or 8HA. Even though my arbitrary scale goes all the way up to 14HA, I’ve never used it or even 13HA. I’m saving those for the time when it really, truly undoubtably calls for it. I have my doubts whether or not it can actually happen while in front a computer. My guess is that it when it does happen, it won’t be because of anything that just got Tweeted. Even if it is that video of the monkey smelling his own finger.  hahaha… I mean… 7HA!

One of my pet peeves is when a newscast will show some amazing video shot by someone who doesn’t work for them. The news company should be ever so grateful. But what do they do? They call it “amateur video.”

I don’t think it would matter if Orson Wells himself shot some tornado footage and submitted it. It would still get the graphic branding it as “amateur footage.” Or if Steven Soderbergh captured a baby falling into a firefighter’s arms… “home video”. Home video? There’s no home involved. It wasn’t shot at home. What the heck?

Just because they weren’t wearing their company logo-branded windbreaker it’s automatically amateur? Please.

Will you news stations please just use a graphic that says, “Courtesy: Joe Smith” or “Footage provided by: Mary Miller”.

Normally I don’t recommend a careful cleaning of a file cabinet. No, it’s usually straight to the recycle bin or shredder. But I might change my mind. After all, I almost recycled this particular find.

Yeah, that’s right, I am officially certified in “Computer Literacy.” So you can take your J2ee, SAP, JAVA, ASP.NET, ActionScript, or whatever else you’ve got. Do you have this?

What’s that you say? 1992? Oh, well, yeah, I guess that’s true. I’m not even sure what it meant to be certified back then! Did it mean I was capable of doing the 25-in-a-row floppy disk install? Or that I could change the vacuum tube if it burned out? Or remove a punch card if it got stuck?

It probably meant that I finally beat Oregon Trail without losing a wagon wheel or dying from dysentery. Something my teacher never could quite do.

You’ve seen the commercials for years. “We are Flintstone’s kids, 10 million strong, and grow-oh-ing.” I’m amazed by the still on-going domination of the children’s vitamin world by Fred, Barney and crew. I mean, c’mon!

Let’s assume that the Fintstones take the vitamins themselves and break it down a bit more:

Fred – I seriously question if there isn’t some Human Growth Hormone (HGH) in those vitamins. I mean look at the size of his neck and calves. His blue necktie wasn’t always tattered. That’s only happened since it’s been trying to wrap around his rump roast piece-of-meat neck. So obviously the vitamin has no metabolic enhancement effect for men.

Barney – Apparently his early years of weight-lifting seriously stunted his growth. Not even the HGH Flintstones Multi-vitamin could help. If you’ve ever heard Barney speak, you’ll know that the vitamins aren’t doing anything to help with brain power. A-huh-huh-huh.

Wilma & Betty – To be fair, the vitamins may be keeping them alive. Obviously they aren’t getting their nutritional needs met by food – that is if they are keeping any of it down. If they aren’t, then the vitamins must contain some ingredients to help them maintain those sparkling white smiles in spite of the bulimia. If they aren’t bulimic, then the vitamins have an amazing power to help lose weight. How else can you keep a 24-8-16 figure like them?

Bam-Bam & Pebbles – Here’s the real test. After all, these are children’s vitamins. So, if you were giving your kids vitamins for 6 years and they never grew an inch or increased their vocabulary by one word, wouldn’t you be worried? It appears instead of helping develop height and brainpower, the vitamins only serve to increase raw strength. So if they continue on this path, you’ll have a 2-foot tall behemoth with the brainpower of a 2-year old. Wonderful. Sign me up.

Dino – I just plain don’t like Dino so I’m not even going to comment.

So please, people, stop buying Flintstone’s vitamins and perhaps we can finally rid the shelves of this outdated, annoying product!

If you are looking for some good vitamins, just go to your local health food store or check my brother’s website as well.

Tired of the constant media attention given to Oprah endorsing Barack Obama for president? Me too! Here’s an original picture I created. Feel free to share!

Unless Ron Paul miraculously gets elected and abolishes the IRS, we’ll have to live with them. So to make it easier in the meantime, doesn’t it feel like we should just use the following form?

Tax Reduction Toolkit – How Any Small Business Owner Or Self-Employed Person Can Save Thousands In Taxes.Click Here to get some great tax advice.

Three nuns were on a road trip when their car ran out of gas. They walked a mile to the nearest gas station. “Can you help us?” they asked the owner. “Unfortunately,” he replied, “I don’t have any gas cans left.” One nun asked, “Oh please, isn’t there anything we can use to carry some gas back to our car?”

The owner looked around and finally found an old bedpan. So they filled the bedpan with gas and the nuns very carefully began the long walk back to their car.

Just as they reached their car and began pouring the gas into the tank, a truck driver pulled over to see if he could help. Upon seeing what was happening, he yelled out the window, “Sisters, I wish I had your faith!”